Depression/ insomnia. Day 22

It's been a rough week. On the outside I'm looking better. The cuts are now healing and as long as I don't pick up my shirt and SHOW the mess you would not be able to tell, unless you happen to be walking behind a waddling lady (it might be me) I know sad right? I can't seem to walk normal yet. It all feels like stuff moving around and pulling in wrong directions. So the internal healing must be what the 8-10 week recovery period is referring to. I'm having moments of stir craziness but I am also respecting this recovery hoping to be well soon.

My biggest issue seems to be insomnia. I just can't sleep or stay asleep. I read about this on a hysterectomy support group and apparently it's a huge side effect. Right now my ovaries are sleeping fr the surgery. I'm hoping for that to soon pass because the hormones could be the culprit for no sleep. The cycle is just crazy. No sleep makes me feel icky, feeling icky makes me depressed. If I was still having my period I would have started yesterday. I still got the lingering migraine and lower backache but no period. Fun stuff! I don't know what I expected but I was obviously off track. I know I have to get past recovery to get feeling better. On the upside hopefully not having a period will help to regulate my blood levels and iron stores.

It's been 17 days!!!

I'm somewhere in what they call "the feel good week" well, I beg to differ. While the physical pain has eased up some and the visual wounds are now on the mend, my mind isn't. I find myself up way too late and having really bad nightmares. I'm able to do more but noticed it usually triggers pain or spotting. I decided to go see my surgeon this week because he wasn't available on my two week post op visit. I need to know what was taken out of me and just need some answers. Maybe that will put my mind to rest.

On the upside I did something today that I thought was going to be hard. Turns out it was BUT I DID it!!! I went to a baby shower. I knew it would stir up emotion so I prepared myself and prayed for comfort to get me through it. The sweet ladies at the shower made it easy. And to make myself feel better I went shopping afterwards for my kiddos. I have such a wonderful husband. He knew today was hard and he was so supportive.

This is my belly healing, sort of!

Post op day 12 /;

It's been getting better. I have now learned to listen to my body. If I get up and do too much I have pain and tenderness in my belly and lots of pressure in my "down there" area. I think it's just really hard for me to accept that u have to relax and take it easy. I'm used to being on the go and constantly tending to my house or cooking. It's depressing being home all day and not being able to do much. My hubby has been great. He really has been helping alot and caring for jojo almost all the time. He has been working while the baby sleeps and then running errands during nap time.

I am hoping my two week check will go ok. It's on Tuesday and I have to see one of the other drs at my obgyns office. My dr that did the surgery is now on vacation. I'm so scared of the vag exam. Ughh it's like after you have a baby you don't want noone poking around down there!!!

Post op day "10"

Well im up at 4am so it's gonna Be a long day for sure. I am hoping today will allow me to just breathe and get the simple things accomplished. Auntie lila is taking the kiddos to the
Movies so I will have time with just me and jojo!!i do cherish moments those me

and use them to engage his sweet mind in something interesting.

So here's to a wonderful weekend and a healing one too!!

SteriStrip Madness continues

So this is the aftermath of the allergic reaction.  A swollen belly and four clearly irritated incisions.  The doctor says there is no infection but I feel just yuk and they itch and burn like hell!!!  My belly button is the worse. 

This morning I woke up with really no relief so I popped some meds and put on the steroid cream and ehhh its just not helping.  I also have lots of pressure today, feels so odd.  when I move all my intestines kinda slosh around trying to find a new home.  Ok so maybe tomorrow will be better?

One week mark

Today is one week since the hysterectomy. I started feeling pretty depressed last night after a long night and not being able to sleep. I finally fell asleep after 1am and yea I didn't get out of bed till after 10. I tossed and turned most of the night but I eventually got good sleep fr 6am till 10 thanks to a Vicodin I gave in and took. I decided to tag along with the hubs to the grocery store and it felt good to walk but I got tired and we made it home pretty quick.

The rest of the day was pretty laid back and besides finally having a "I'm going number two" moment it wasn't half bad. I sat out front with the kids while they played and I even snapped a few cute pics of them.

I love this pic!!

These are some great kids!!

 I came in and I noticed my incisions are still SOOO itchy I decided to call the dr oncall. The nurse advised me I was most like having an allergy to the adhesive they use to secure the steri strips. She then said I needed to remove them. Omgeez are you serious? I decided to wait till morning and just go see the dr. Well I lasted till midnight and I was in a itchy and burning hell! So I ripped three off and it felt better. So I tried to sleep but it did not last long. I was up by 4 and just miserable. Eventually I went to see my dr. The nurse was taken back by the look of my tummy so she brought in the surgeon and he confirmed it is an allergy. Benedryl and cortisone cream for a few days is supposed to help. Right now I'm not convinced. It's driving me mad. I can barely sit still. Day 7 post op and I feel like crap!!

I'm now five days post op

Five days out and it's not fun. My emotions are up and down and everywhere. I am in pain. My incisions on my tummy are burning and a deep stabbing radiates throughout my abdomen. It hurts to sit up right because my vagina is stitched up all nicely too. Laying down is a comical sport. My kids love to see and hear my attempts to position myself. When I lay down my innards literally slosh about trying to find a place to settle. It's the most odd sensation ever. I'm really sensitive to pain meds and decided to just use Motrin to help.

I was able to walk around the front yard today and the weather is amazing. I really wanted to take the baby for a stroll but that wasn't going to happen I got really dizzy. So now I'm just relaxing with my kids watching Disney movies.

Its been a rough day. It seems all my friends are either pregnant or just had babies and im broken now. I feel less than and almost ashamed? I have managed to avoid visits from anyone other than family. I just dont want to face the emotional part of this. I am in so much pain tonight and just feel miserable.

On a side note I happened to sell my awesome lil lamb swing today. It was like a final goodbye to my baby days.

Here is jojo in the swing, this was by far the best swing ever!!!

Here's to hoping for a better tommorrow and great week!

The surgery...

I went in for preop on Friday march 2nd and that's the day it hit me. I was no longer going to have my uterus. I left the appointment feeling really depressed and just emotional. The weekend was rough on me too, I of course started another hell period and it was coming with a vengeance. It was like aunt flow knew she about to get evicted permanently. After prepping the house, the kids, and the hubby the day came. Tuesday march 6th at 1230pm my life as I knew it changed forever. The surgery itself I guess was pretty normal (I still haven't seen my dr yet to discuss the condition of my uterus) I went in and was strapped to a bed that was reclined back for the robot assisted surgery. It was an odd feeling but in came the sleepy man and I drifted off. I woke up two hours later in recovery and boy was I surprised by the pain, I had no idea!!

I spent a few hours in recovery room drifting in and out of sleep and just trying to breathe. I was moved to my room and that's when my hell began. Oh it was a miserable night. I have had seven sugerys in my life and this was the worst, I think every one was bad but this one was painful! I could not take a breathe right At all so I was on oxygen, I had a foley catheter, and an Iv. I asked the nurse why I hurt so bad and she said, "well Hun you have five tummy incisions and 9-12 stitches in your vaginal wall." I guess that explained it. I tried to shift my body to get comfortable and I had a terrible pain in my left arm and shoulder. It was so bad I cried and called for the nurse. She came in and said it must be from a shot they gave me? I was confused cause I had an Iv so why a shot. She offered me Motrin for the pain and I accepted...Big Mistake!! Be cause I took the Motrin I was now not allowed any more pain meds till six freaking hours later. So of course the motrin did little for relief and I called the nurse and she said to try and sleep. Yea ok..my mom came and I sent her to get me some meds fr home and I took half a Vicodin and finally slept! THX MOM!!

That night never ended. It just drifted to morning. I slept a total of two hrs during my 2 day stay. I happily accepted an offer to go home after the dr on all came to see me, oh and he explained that my left arm had been strapped down in that awkward 30 degree incline during surgery and must have been tweaked somehow. I accepted this and called hubby to come get me. I somehow though going home would be the magic ticket to make me feel better. Wrong! It just got worse. The first two nights I took pain meds with no relief and just felt yuk from them. I could not lay down with out help. I couldn't do much of anything, except start to feel hysterical. This is when I decided to blog my feelings away! Lucky you (:

Baby bliss..

I absolutely adore being a mom. I love all my kids with all my being. This birth and baby was even more special because the day he was born I was holding him tight and trying to figure out the signifigance Of the date...sept 08! When it hit me I just smiled and held him even tighter. Sept 08 was the day I lost the previous pregnancy two yrs earlier. I'm now celebrating this day instead of grieving.

My lil jojo had a rough start and even to this day I feel a lil robbed of the newborn time with him. He has MSPI and reflux and it all started right after birth. He has tracheomalsia which is a not yet mature trachea that causes a squeaking sound when breathing. It's really odd sounding and alerted me and the nurse his first night. One problem after another over the first six months kept me busy and also made him my top priority. As most moms do, I put my own health on the back burner and ignored some pretty serious symptoms.

By the time he was a year things were under control and I started realizing how bad I was feeling. Every visit from aunt flow was getting worse. I had heavy bleeding and painful ovulation. I started feeling dizzy throughout the month too. I even had off and on heart palpatations that I simply thought must be anxiety from all the stress the year had brought. Well the holidays were upon us and I thought I better go see my Dr just to make sure I was ok. I had some routine blood work done and sure enought 24 hrs later ring ring it's the dr calling for me to go in right away.

I was told I had extremely low blood count and my hemoglobin was at 7.1 and was having the heart side effects as warning that a stroke was coming. This floored me and I was so upset with myself, I have four kids that Need me and a husband I plan to be with for many moons. How did I let this get so bad. I quickly saw a hematologist and he recommended a series of infusions right away. So I spent the three wks before Christmas in the hospital,getting fixed up. Oh it was awful. The side effects from this stuff were ridiculous. I was in pain. I had a rash. And the migraine it caused lasted for nearly two weeks. I also ended up looking like an umpa loompa, the iron was rusty in color and now I was too!!I went to see my hemo dr for a follow up and he saw me and the reactions I had and he said I was no longer a Canadate for the infusions. I would now have only one option if my levels dropped again, a full blood transfusion. He also informed me that with heavy menstration I was doomed to be right back in that scenario in about three cycles. I was sad and felt lost. I scheduled a consult with my obgyn and we went over my options. He offered a uterine ablation or hysterectomy. I did some research and the ablation has a pretty low success rate. My hemo dr was adamant that the hysterectomy was the best option. After three appt with my obgyn and a call to the hemo they both decided it was best and surgery was scheduled...omg really???

Here we go again...

Soon after seeing the double pink lines on my many home pregnancy tests the anxiety set in. I was in a constant state of fear. I just could not imagine going through another loss. I found a great obgyn that got me in right away. He saw me at just 4 weeks along and he tried to make my fears go but, unfortunately they were staying. He explained that an ovarian ectopic is so different than a tubal because of its rarity he did not expect it would happen again. I left feeling guarded and decided to give it a day by day emoitionless go. I could not connect to this pregnancy. I would not allow my self to feel happy. Every slight ache or twinge sent me into a full on panic attack. I finally reached the six week mark and my dr agreed to check for placement of the embryo. I went in for an ultrasound and stared at that screen and when I saw the lil ball all snug in my uterus I cried. With each tear I let go of that fear and anxiety and by the time I was home I felt full on elation of pregnancy. We told the kids and life began to feel awesome, again!

This lil baby dubbed "the meatball" by the kids was loved as soon as we let the word out. It was just a complete joy to be pregnant and have older children be so excited. When I was about 12 weeks along and feeling great my older sister came to visit from oregan. We had a blast hanging out and she fed me well! I felt a lil special and it was just fun. The day she was to begin getting ready to go home I had a big time craving for sundaes. So my daughter who was 7 and my sister and I headed out to the grocery store for some goodies. We were half way done shopping and all of a sudden I felt a gush of fluid run down my legs, I looked and my pants were all red!

My sister swooped me up and ran with my baby girl tagging behind. We were all crying. I just kept saying "it's over. It's over". She took me to the ER and I called my hubby. He came right away and my sister took my daughter home. I sat there in my bloody pants begging for them to hurry up. Of course I was not considered a urgent need because once you tell them you are 14 wks they know the pregnancy is not considered viable and well, nothing they can do. I was finally seen and a nurse swiftly told me that miscarriages happen all the time and that there was nothing I could do. I just cried and not for myself but for my other kids. How would I explain that another baby had gone to heaven. Why?? I then was taken to ultrasound and the young man asked me why I was here and I told him they think I may be having a miscarriage and he said, "well here's a STRONG heartbeat" I was so overwhelmed with happiness but still I was bleeding. The dr came in and said I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. Basically a small portion of the placenta failed to attach properly to the uterine wall and it was bleeding. It's actually kinda common and usually will resolve itself. In my case it did resolve after six wks of bed rest!!! My sister stayed with us to help. She cooked cleaned and homeschooled my two youngest and drove my oldest to middle school. I was so blessed to have her.

At twenty weeks we had our routine ultrasound and gender check. We were so excited. It's a BOY! We were happy he looked great and the dr said he had all his parts and measured fine. They did however, notice on the ultrasound that I was having contractions. They were not stopping so guess what....more bed rest and meds to stop the preterm labor. This was pretty much expected as it was the way my other pregnancies had gone. So I listened and made my camp on the couch and popped terbutaline as needed.

Fast forward past an amazing baby shower. My sister going home. The hubby having a sinus surgery. Kids starting another school year and the day comes, on September 8, 2010 (exactly two yrs after we lost the ectopic pregnancy!!!) our baby boy was born. Oh it was an easy easy labor and best delivery ever. I went into active labor at 6 am. Got an epi at 715am and out he came at 845am. Who pushes out a nice 6lb baby in two pushes? I DO, that's who.

This would begin the whirlwind changes in my body that brought me to where I am today..on a couch with a numb ass from sitting all day and a belly full of incisions.

Trying to get by ...

I spent the next year in a private hell. I couldn't talk to anyone other than Internet friends I made on various websites. It seemed that no one understood that when you lose a pregnancy it hurts. It doesn't matter to me that my baby wasn't yet a full term baby, she was mine. I found myself playing the time game, oh today I would have been six months...today I would be delivering. That was the worse. I read so many books and I was determined to find out why this happened to me. I never had any gynecological problems other than heavy periods, my prior pregnancies were hard with preterm labor but I did ok. I decided to finally let my husband know that I was really having a hard time with this and when we talked I felt validated. Yup, he held me and let me cry till I couldn't cry anymore. This made me feel like someone knew what I was going through, we also decided at that time to try to get pregnant again. That was in may of 2009, we tried to conceive and I was surprised it didn't happen right off the bat. Any other time I got pregnant fast. By the time the holidays rolled around I kinda gave up. We had a busy season with a reunion on his families side and his mom coming from Tonga to see us all. So we just went about life doing the day by day and eventually rang in the new year..2010! Four days later on January 4,2010 I found out I was pregnant and due sept 2010!!

The before....

I am a blessed mother. I have endured much in the way of pregnancy and somehow I always seemed to make it through and have my happy bundle of joy to erase the agony and try again. That changed in August of 2008. I had just enrolled my middle child in kindergarten and was looking forward to having just my daughter at home for year to get some serious girls bonding in. Well right before he started school 8/14/08 to be exact, I decided I had been feeling a bit off of a few weeks and good ole aunt flow was late so I might as well pee on a stick! It was of course positive, very light positive but it was there. My hubby was out golfing and I was going crazy waiting for him to get home. Well that evening I blurted it out and we decided to keep it under wraps from the kids for a few weeks to let them get into the new school schedule first. Soon enough school started and thing were chugging along just fine until that Friday. I woke up and had some spotting so of course I freaked and my first thought miscarriage and second was, glad I didn't tell the kids! I called the dr and he said to go to the ER so I did and they did the usual, bloodtest, ultrasound, and exam. My hcg was pretty high already above 2500 and my exam showed a closed cervix. The u/s showed not much as to be expected so early. I left being told that I was about six wks and just take it easy and they didn't see much to worry about. Ok so I carried on and throughout the next week I had so much on and off pain, it was a gut wrenching take your breathe away pain. I went to the ER three times. Each time they sent me home saying nothing was wrong I was not miscarrying because hcg was doubling and was now well over 8000. I knew in my being that this was all wrong I knew something was not right.

On sept 7th 2008 I went to my sister twins birthday party. The whole time I was cramping and my belly was swollen. By this time everyone knew I was pregnant because according to the hospital I was nearly ten wks!! After the party my hubby had work but I asked him to stay with me for just a bit. I got my kiddos settled in and I ran a bath hoping the warm water would calm the cramps and help me sleep before he left. As soon as my body hit that water all I remember is a shock wave in my abs and crawling on the tile floor. The paramedics were there and I was in and out of it. I would inform them very wildly that I'm pregnant and I know something is wrong, then I'd pass back out or blank out. Within a few short minutes in was told it must be a tubal ectopic pregnancy because nothing is in my uterus but my numbers showed a viable pregnancy at least 9 wks along somewhere in my body. Huh?? I was confused and shocked. Before I knew I was rushed into the operating room and woke up after surgery and was told, "you lost a lot of blood When we opened you up your abdomen was a pool of blood and we found a rather large cyst on your ovary and removed it" ok so what about the pregnancy? The recovery nurse told me that most pregnancy can't survive an early surgery like this and that my doctor would follow up with me and follow the pregnancy. So I left that same night confused, am I still pregnant? What the heck just happened?

Five days later I kept using home pregnancy tests and they were of course positive. This kinda gave me hope. I had a follow up with the Dr and that day will forever be etched in my mind. I walked in and she (who our family knew well as she had delivered my sisters twins) looked at me, greeted my sister and blurted out that the cyst they removed from my ovary contained the "products of pregnancy" so I said...does that mean I'm not pregnant? I got the standard duh look and was explained to that it was a medical anomaly and that it's very rare and I should be grateful my tubes were not affected and my ovary too. I WAS DEVISTATED!!!!! I walked around, well hobbled around for two wks after surgery assuming I was still pregnant. So now the grieving began. It's never ended either. Ovarian ectopic pregnancy the medical term for what stole a piece of me, sept 8, 2008!